health

CRYING – IS IT A GAME? OR IS IT FOR REAL?

By Judith Barr


As if there weren’t enough forces in our country and our world trying to get us to not feel . . .

 

Ourselves, utilizing our own defenses to keep from feeling pain from long, long ago, as well as pain from today or even experiencing anything today that might trigger the ancient pain.

 

Other people, who do the same thing to themselves, demeaning, ridiculing, attacking, abandoning us when we do feel. Our families, employers-employees-coworkers. Our doctors, lawyers, teachers, agents, coaches, spiritual representatives.

 

Alcohol, street drugs, and pharmaceutical drugs and the companies and people who manufacture and sell them.  (If we were supported to feel our feelings and had built the capacity to do that, we wouldn’t believe we needed mind altering drugs to numb us against those feelings.) The military that wants its members to be strong and unemotional to the point of giving them propranalol to harden their defenses against the feelings that get stirred up in them by the horrors of war.  (If they weren’t hardened against the feelings, they would feel the horror and perhaps we’d finally find an alternative to war!)

 

Politicians, who appeal to the very emotions, like fear, that we try to bury and hold at bay and then use those feelings they have stirred up to their own advantage. (If we were not afraid of feeling our feelings, and if we were taught to discern which ones are here and now feelings and which are feelings from our childhood that have been triggered by something or someone in the current time . . . we wouldn’t be so needlessly vulnerable to politicians, or anyone using our own vulnerability against us.) Scientific studies that can be skewed to prove anything.

 

And the media . . . in so many different ways.

 

Last week, on a well known television show, a show I often appreciate, they did a story on tears.

 

In the story, under the guise of humor, under the guise of “science,” with a demeaning story title – The Crying Game – and under the guise of scientific backup – they did a story on “male aversion to female tears.”
 
 A study in Israel asserts that the impact on men exposed to the imperceptible scent of women’s tears is that the exposure lowers men’s testosterone levels and causes the parts of their brain that register sexual arousal to be less active. In short, the study found that imperceptible signals given off by our bodies are perceived unconsciously by others  . . . something  proven time and again. Perhaps if we truly knew ourselves and our natures, we would understand that upon witnessing the woman he loves crying,  and unconsciously perceiving the natural chemical signals she’s giving off, not only a man’s feeling self, but also his physical self receives the signal that she needs him to care, comfort, and communicate with her, not to be sexual with her, and responds accordingly.

 

Rather than emphasizing the actual findings of the study . . .  the media report of this study instead chose to make a conclusion not even remotely asserted by the study: that a women’s tears “annoy” men.
 
Thank goodness for a famous sex therapist, who talked with the reporter and told him that when his wife cries, she (the sex therapist) wanted him to ask ‘what’s the matter?’ And ‘can I help?’ and not to worry if his penis was erect! She didn’t want men to draw the wrong conclusion, using the study to prove that there’s science backing up why men are annoyed when their wives cry.

 

But the damage had already been done . . . The supposed lightness and humor with which the story was told was easy, ‘comfort’ food for those men who don’t take responsibility for themselves and their own feelings:  that the reason they’re annoyed is not from a drop in testosterone, but rather because of their discomfort with their own vulnerable feelings, or that some wound from long ago is triggered when their wife cries. 
 
And it was easy food for those women who are “trained” to please their husbands and so will try to keep from crying in the future . . . or who will use their husbands’ so-called “natural annoyance” as an excuse to keep defending against their own painful feelings.

 

And not only did the show degrade women’s tears, but at the very end, it degraded men’s tears, too, asking ‘What impact does it have on women when men cry?’ and saying it’s particularly relevant with our ‘weepy’ new Speaker of the House.

 

Look at this just one example of what we do to each other and ourselves …. Degrading women’s tears and degrading men’s tears. Degrading our vulnerability! Our real vulnerability . . . something I, as a depth psychotherapist, spend many hours, many weeks, many years working to help people rediscover and reclaim!

 

Look around us ….

People numbing themselves, unable to feel, unable to connect with themselves behind their walls and beneath their masks.

 

Without our feelings, and without allowing them and exploring them, we become automatons. And then we raise our children from those robotic modes. And we criticize and demean them for their feelings  . . . for crying as babies, for expressing hurt and fear and even anger. And we never help them build their capacity to feel.  So they grow up, not treasuring their real vulnerability, in fact afraid of it. So they grow up unnecessarily vulnerable to all the forces trying to get us not to feel.
 
Here’s the vicious cycle!

 

What have we done to our world?

How are we going to save our world?
 
By healing and safely feeling so we can rediscover and reclaim our true needed vulnerability.

 

© Judith Barr 2011

IF YOU BELIEVE “THERE’S NO WAY FOR EVERYONE TO WIN” … READ THIS! UPDATED

By Judith Barr

Recently I included the article below, If You Believe There’s No Way for Everyone to Win, in my newsletter. In response, someone who reads my newsletters sent me an email about this article. With her permission, in this post I share with you the heart of the interchanges she and I had. They expand and deepen the understandings in the article. You can find the update right below the article.

IF YOU BELIEVE “THERE’S NO WAY FOR EVERYONE TO WIN” … READ THIS!

AND IF YOU BELIEVE “THERE IS A WAY FOR EVERYONE TO WIN” … READ THIS!

Recently, a well-known news commentator* – remarking on a comment by Bill Clinton that the only way for us to go is to make sure everyone wins – emphatically stated, “THERE IS NO WAY FOR EVERYONE TO WIN!” 
 
Would you, or do you, follow someone who made a decision that in life there’s no way for everyone to win?

And, whether or not you follow a commentator who believes this…do you wonder where a belief like this comes from…and how it can affect our lives and our world?

When I heard this comment from Glenn Beck,* it struck me so . . . as something so familiar. It sounded just like things I’ve heard from my clients so many times over the years. This statement – There is no way for everyone to win – is a classic example of what I call an “early decision.” 

I’ll explain .  .  .
When we are children, and we suffer pain or trauma that’s too much for a child to bear, we bury the pain and defend against it by making unconscious decisions about ourselves, others, our world, and life in general.  Now when we are children, an “early decision” may be a life-saver . . . it saves us from agonizing pain, perhaps emotionally, perhaps also physically. But as we grow, if we are unaware of this unconscious decision, and if we haven’t healed it, it can haunt us from our own underground, affecting our feelings, thoughts, attitudes, behavior, and choices.  The important thing to remember is that this is unconscious. We are unaware this is happening inside us, and unaware that early decisions like this are driving our lives.

Here’s an example.  .  .
Let’s say you’re a child. Your father files for divorce because of your mother’s alcoholism. However it unfolds, you and your sister end up living with your mother. When you are 15, your mother commits suicide by drowning. Then your step brother commits suicide. You and your sister move to live with your father . . . the same father who divorced your mother and moved away. Without even realizing it, out of each of your traumas or out of the accumulation of your multiple traumatic experiences comes an early decision: There is no way for everyone to win!

Without even realizing it, you make that decision again and again at each painful incident. You also come to use that decision to defend against your pain. And you use everything you can . . . not only to defend against your pain, but also to hold onto that early decision for dear life!

You believe you are proving that decision every time you have a painful incident in your life. Your first daughter is born with cerebral palsy . . . and you prove it again.  You struggle with substance abuse and ADHD . . . and you prove it again. As an adult you use your power to prove to yourself over and over that there is no way for everyone to win.**

And then you draw people to you who also decided as children in their families that there is no way for everyone to win. You use your power and your following to make choices and take actions based on that early decision.  If you have decided there is no way for everyone to win . . . what kinds of choices will you make and what kinds of actions will you take? Likely those that will make you and your following win . . . and everyone else lose. And if your following is filled with people who also made that early decision, how much chance is there that anyone you would listen to can pierce that decision?

Can you see how this would affect all of us? And our world? If our leaders, politicians, celebrities, and media don’t become aware of and heal their early decisions? And if each of us doesn’t become aware of and heal our early decisions . . . we could end up following the cause of someone who decided as a little boy, just like we did, that there is no way for everyone to win.

Remember, you are fighting for dear life to hold onto that early decision, and so are all those around you . . . Because when you let go of that early decision, you will be right back at the scene of the very first trauma out of which you decided There is no way for everyone to win. And back at that first scene, you will be feeling all the feelings you have been defending against ever since . . . which is exactly what we all need to do purposefully, safely, for healing. For once we have gone through and felt the pain we were so relentlessly trying to avoid, we will never have to hold it at bay again, and we can free up our precious life energy for constructive, creative, life sustaining changes for ourselves and everybody else.

Can you see how this would affect all of us? And our world? If our leaders, politicians, celebrities, and media do become aware of and heal their early decisions? And if each of us does the same?

*The well known news commentator was Glenn Beck. My intention for choosing to talk with you about his comment is not a way to comment on his politics, per se, but rather to utilize a perfect example to help us really comprehend the relationship of a child’s painful experiences to not only his adult life, but also his politics, the politics of our nation, the politics of our world and the well being of all involved. And how many times do we get to hear such a public figure, who is a leader in his arena, say one of his/her early decisions aloud and so publicly?

**This example has been created from some of the events in Glenn Beck’s life, beginning with his childhood.

UPDATE

“Thank you, Judith.  That was another enlightening essay.  It made me think of my grandchildren, two of whom are boys who really like to “win” in games and who are learning, little by little, that it doesn’t have to mean something is wrong with them if they lose a game.  But generally, that is what happens, there is some serious loss of self-esteem when there is a loss of a game, yes? . . . One time my grandson went into a huge crying fit when playing chess with his Dad, my son, and lost.  He was mad at my son for playing too hard; he expected him to somehow let him win or at least have a better chance at winning.”
 
When someone loses a game, yes, there may be loss of self esteem. But I think it depends upon the person what the loss is.
And how young the experience.
It could feel like loss of self. There is no me.
It could feel like loss of sanity.  Nothing makes sense . I feel crazy. Everthing’s getting bigger, I’m
getting smaller.
It could even feel like loss of life. I’m not going to survive this. I’m dying. I’m disappearing. I’m falling through the cracks into nowhere.
This is why people’s reactions can be so extreme when they lose.
When they lose a game. When they lose an argument. When they lose a job. When they lose a friend.
When they lose someone they love.
When they lose an early decision . . . 

This is why people will fight tooth and nail to hold onto their early decisions . . .
both the leaders who have the early decision
and the followers who have the same early decision.
This is why the followers are so easily enlisted in the cause and kept enlisted. 

When children respond this way . . . they have little choice.
The loss is too much for a little child to bear.
But when adults respond this way,
in effect, they are using their power to defend against the loss.
In the case of the people in this month’s article, the people who have an early decision
There is no way for everyone to win . . .
they are using their power en masse
to defend, each of them, against the losses they experienced in their respective childhoods –
the losses that led them to decide
There is no way for everyone to win.

How crucial it is for each of us adults to do the inner work
to discover, heal, dissolve, and transform our early decisions
and feel the pain of the losses from long, long ago.
That way we will no longer need to use our power to defend against those losses.
Instead, we can use our power creatively and fruitfully for living fully today and tomorrow.

© Judith Barr, 2010

“WHO NEEDS A PERIOD?” – A POLITICAL CONFLICT

By Judith Barr

Recently, I read an article on CNN.com* that explored the use of birth control to suppress a woman’s monthly period…and the startling fact that 72% of women said they “did not like having a period” and  40% of women would prefer never to have one!  And now birth control pills are being utilized to avoid our periods almost completely. 

My heart cried out as I read this article, and the words of women quoted in it who, consciously or unconsciously, thought of their periods as a curse or a burden. In response, I wrote the post below, in the hope that it will put some perspective on the sacredness of menstruation, and why our monthly period is so crucial . . .

In a world where misogyny is rampant . . .
In a world where, even with the advances women have made, women are still treated horribly . . .
In a world where, perhaps because of the fear of the advances women have made, women are being treated worse than ever . . .
In a world where, if the abusive, cruel treatment of women were done to Jews, African Americans, Gays, or some other minority, the actions would be called hate crimes and prosecuted . . .
For women to suppress their menstrual bleeding, a natural part of their being, a crucial part of their innate, inborn power . . .
is tantamount to colluding with the patriarchal attempts to discount, diminish,  control, and have power over women.  It is the equivalent of an alcoholic’s spouse enabling or colluding with the alcoholic.

A woman’s period is not simply the mechanism through which she is able to conceive and give birth to human babies. It is also the cycle that helps a woman be truly connected to herself — her body, her mind, her heart, and her own soul — and to root herself more and more deeply with her own instincts, her own knowings, her own strength and courage, her own gifts. 

To suppress or give that up . . . is to give herself and her inner power away!

To suppress or give that up . . . is to be seduced into believing her menstrual bleeding is a curse.
Or at the very least to not have been taught the powerful truth about the immense possibilities of menstruation  . . .
by a mother who grew up believing her period was a curse.

To suppress or give that up . . . is to give herself and her inner power away!

This is not just a personal choice and action. This is a communal choice and action and a political choice and action.

We will be shocked and horrified, if we continue this blind trend, by the dire consequences of our actions  –
in the actions of men toward us, in the actions of other women toward us, in our actions toward other women, 
and in our actions toward ourselves.

Who will help us if we continue?
Who will help us if we don’t help ourselves?

* https://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/05/06/period.monthly.menstruation/index.html?hpt=C2 

NOTE: If you would like to learn more . . . here are four sources I can recommend. The first three are books, the fourth is an audio cassette: The Wild Genie, Alexandra Pope; Her Blood Is Gold, Lara Owen; Mysteries of the Dark Moon, Demetra George; The Call of My Blood Mysteries, Judith Barr

(c) Judith Barr, 2010

HAITI . . . AND YOU, ME, ALL OF US!

By Judith Barr

Haiti —
A tragedy has occurred in Haiti.
A 7.0 earthquake that has destroyed homes, hospitals, whole towns . . .
has broken hearts . . .
has rent daily life in a million pieces.

It is very real.
People are dead, missing, hurt.
People are frightened, lost, at a loss as to how to take care of themselves
and their loved ones.

Those of us outside Haiti are having our own responses.
Thank goodness . . .
so many are feeling deep compassion,
so many are feeling sorrow for those affected,
so many are called to help.
We need to feel compassion and sorrow.
We need to help and they need our help.

But even with the call to help, even with the actual movement to help,
even as we feel the very real here-and-now pain of loss,
we need to look within and find out what is being triggered in us by this tragedy.

We all, once long ago, as babies, had something akin to this painful experience . . .
perhaps it even felt like an earthquake to our young selves and our young lives.

We all, once long ago, as babies, had something akin to this painful experience . . .
whether for a moment, a few minutes,  hours, days, weeks, or years.
We all once felt unsafe . . .
even if it was as we were coming into this world,
even if it was when our mother had the flu and couldn’t get to us when we were hungry,
even if it was when one parent yelled at us, followed by the other rocking and comforting us.
We all once felt powerless . . . even if it was when we cried and cried and couldn’t get anyone to come to take care of us
for what might have only been minutes, but seemed to us like forever.

We all once felt scared about our future . . . even if it was our future at a time we couldn’t even say the word ‘future’
or a time when a few moments felt like an entire future.

What I’m saying is this.
What is happening in Haiti leaves us with much here-and-now pain and fear.
What is happening in Haiti also touches something in us all from long ago that we know . . .
even if we don’t consciously know we know it.
And what we do with that “touching” is very important.

Our reaching out in this time of need is a wonderful thing…but we should not stop there.
If we just let those moments long ago be touched and reach out to the people of Haiti to get away from our own experiences,
we do a great disservice to everyone – the Haitians, ourselves, anyone close to us, and anyone in the future who triggers those
same feelings in us.

If, however, we let ourselves reach out to the people of Haiti and also explore the roots of our own similar experiences,
we can help our world in ways we might never have imagined.

Every one of us who explores the roots of our own feelings of powerlessness, loss, fear, and unsafety …
working through and resolving those experiences from long, long ago …
has a new kind of power, power from the inside out —
power to help us respond to danger in new, more creative, more inspired, more conscious ways —
and power to help create safety in our world today and tomorrow.

(c) Judith Barr, 2010

A Year Ago – Ugly Monday

By Judith Barr

Today is the one year anniversary of Ugly Monday.
On September 15, 2008, the Dow dropped 500 points,
the economy took a crumbling dive, and took us on a ride that isn’t over yet. . . even though some people believe it is.

One of the not-well-known reasons it isn’t over yet . . .
People have been doing things on the level of outer actions all through the year.
But very few have explored the roots of their thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and relationships with money.  

These unexplored roots actually drive what occurs in our financial lives individually, nationally, and globally.

As I’ve said many times before . . . The anxiety people have in their relationships with money preceded the recession and all the
economic turmoil by a long, long time.  That anxiety will be here after the chaos has been calmed and we are on seemingly solid
ground again, or even actually solid ground.  For many people, that anxiety exists all the time. It’s not going to go away – certainly not
any time soon. Certainly not as a result of things we do on the practical level in the outer world, either – not by selling our assets,
growing our savings, getting another job, cashing in an IRA, buying lottery tickets, or any amount of planning.

The only thing that can help resolve that anxiety is for us to do the work in our inner world – the world of our psyche and soul – to
discover, explore, heal and improve our relationship with money.  In other words, the things we do in the outer world cannot be
sustained without our also doing things in our inner world that bring healing and transformation.

You may have a hard time believing this, but at the root, people’s relationships with money are based on a young child’s thoughts,
feelings, and decisions about money and even more, about the things money symbolizes for them. So when under financial stress,
people regress to a young age . . . even if they’re not aware of it, even if they don’t believe it.   And from this young age, while
believing they are full adults, they make young decisions about things which need an adult to decide them.

So imagine if you, your friends, your parents, your community leaders, your state and federal leaders are all regressed and making
decisions from places within them of which they have no awareness . . . of which we have no awareness.

Sadly, there have been few in the media and financial worlds, and even the therapeutic world, who are talking about this aspect of the solution.
Having this conversation is crucial. Bringing this conversation out into the world for all to hear and take part in is crucial.
Taking action on these understandings is crucial. 

It’s time to become aware. It’s time to heal what interferes with our wisdom and heart.
It’s time.

© 2009, Judith Barr

*I addressed this theme in more detail in my article A Recession Regression. If you would like to receive a free pdf copy of this article, please email me at Info@PowerAbusedPowerHealed.com.

ENOUGH!

By Judith Barr

Enough!

Enough of people acting out their feelings
when they don’t get what they want.
A man shot Dr. George Tiller for helping women
preserve and exercise their choices.*
 
Enough of people hurting and killing others
when they want something that isn’t theirs…
when they want power and abuse it horrifically.
 Women in Darfur live a nightmare of sexual violence.**
 
Enough of people hurting and killing themselves
when they can’t do what they want.
Husbands kill their families and themselves
when they lose their jobs and financial security.***
 
Enough!
 
It’s time that people all over the world
learn to want what they want,
but not destroy to get it.
 
It’s time that people all over the world
learn to feel their feelings
and not act out destructively
in response to their feelings.
 
It’s time we stop calling people who act out on their feelings
mentally ill . . .
we all have the capacity to do so.
It’s time we stop deluding ourselves into thinking
that “they are destructive but we are not.”
We all have the capacity to be destructive.
We all have destructive thoughts and feelings
right alongside our creative and loving feelings.
 
It’s time we stop thinking of feelings as something
to be managed and controlled
or out of control.
Instead we need to re-weave the fabric of our world culture
to set as the standard  . . .
working through and healing our feelings
when they are born of early wounds. . . which they so very
often are!
 
Enough!
 
I know we cannot do this overnight!
But every single person who does his or her own healing
contributes to the healing of our world.
And every single parent who does his or her own healing
and teaches his or her children how to be with feelings
contributes to the healing of our world.
And every leader in every arena who does his or her own healing
contributes to the healing of our world.
 
Enough acting out destructively on our feelings!
And not nearly enough healing . . . yet!
 
*https://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/05/31/kansas.doctor.killed/index.html 
**https://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/africa/05/31/darfur.rape.study/index.html
***https://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/World-News/Credit-Crunch-Killing-Man-In-Los-Angeles-Shoots-Dead-Wife-And-Five-Children-After-Losing-His-Job/Article/200901415211562?f=rss
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1070935/American-financier-kills-family-losing-fortune-credit-crunch.html
https://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/10/06/california.murder.suicide/index.html

(c) Judith Barr, 2009

Domestic violence abroad . . . and right here at home

By Judith Barr

In these times of financial, religious, social, and political unrest, those who have not learned to handle their feelings responsibly are increasingly lashing out at other . . . especially those with whom they are closest. The article below is a glimpse through one facet of this issue.*
 
The attitude of men and of the judicial system in Iraq toward women and girls, as demonstrated by the article referenced below – It’s Ok to Slap Spendthrift Wives** – is outrageous, tragic, heartbreaking.
 
You may think this is limited to Iraq . . . or at least countries other than the United States. If you do, you have a shock in store for you!
 
I have worked with women, in the supposedly cultured and advanced northeast United States, who were abused in their marriages and frankly! Even more in their attempts to divorce. These women were, in the process of divorce, abused by their husbands, their lawyers (men and women alike), the judges, and the legal system.
 
Some of the women would have been homeless had it not been for the resources of their families of origin. Some were unable to feed and clothe their children because the courts did not assure them the money to live on even during the divorce process. I’ve seen women lose their children. I’ve seen women lose all their savings. I’ve known of women who stayed with their husbands for fear the courts would make the children have visitation with a father they were terrified by.
 
Don’t tell me courts expected the wives, whose husbands had insisted they stay home and take care of the children, to suddenly be able to get the level of jobs that would support them and their children . . . especially when all the while their lawyers were telling the wives not to get jobs or they’d get no alimony and child support.  Don’t tell me the courts can’t see abuse when it’s right in front of their eyes, for example wives, who had been so abused that they had no confidence in themselves anymore.  Don’t tell me the courts do such voluminous business in divorce and don’t know the shame the wives feel in their plight. Don’t tell me the courts were fooled by the husbands’ attempts to wriggle out of their responsibilities to take care of even their children . . . by claiming they’d lost their business, by claiming they didn’t have the assets they had.  And don’t you dare tell me that the courts are so heartless that they favor the wallet of the abusive man over the means to heal the heart and soul of his wife and children.
 
Now . . . I know that each woman needs to do her own work about the early wounds that may have caused her to end up with an abusive husband. About the early wounds that may have caused her to be frozen when wanting to leave. About the early wounds that may have caused her to perhaps even leave and then return to her abusive husband.  And it is true!

Each woman in this situation does need to do her own inner healing of psyche and soul – so that she doesn’t recreate the same situation all over again! So that she models the deepest healing for her children! So that she heals on the inside, too, to the very root of the wound, and not just the outer level.  
 
So that she knows her part and doesn’t disempower herself by pretending it was only his responsibility. Yes! If she makes it all his responsibility, she does, in fact, disempower herself. She keeps herself from finding the roots in her own life of her becoming entangled in an abusive relationship.  And no matter what anyone says, that is extremely disempowering . . .  for if she doesn’t know her part in the creation and perpetuation of the abusive relationship, she does not have the power to heal it and to prevent a recurrence.
 
Both of these elements must be attended to.
The abuse from the outer world . . . particularly the court system.
And the disempowerment not only from the outer world but also from the inner world of long ago.

If you are a woman who is in an abusive relationship . . . please get the help you need, and don’t stop until you do.

If you are a woman or a man who knows a woman in an abusive relationship and want to help . . . keep your heart open both to her current situation and also to the childhood wounds that are still alive inside her. And please do your own work, so you don’t act out of your own childhood wounds, and so you don’t act in her behalf to avoid your early wounds. If you have additional time and energy, help to work for exposure of and changes in the system . . . the lawyers, the judges, the legal system itself, and, of course, the law.

Now let’s go back to the countries like Iraq, where dealing with domestic violence is different in significant ways than in the USA. Where women are, in essence, prisoners in their own homes and their own countries, by government sanctioned practices? What can we do to help those women? Pray for them. Dedicate our own healing work not only to ourselves but also to them. Find organizations that we know will help them and contribute to those organizations. Found such an organization. Organize a fundraiser to raise money to contribute. Gather our friends and colleagues to brainstorm and heart-storm other ways to help . . . both at home and abroad.

This issue of domestic violence abroad and right here at home is a clear example of the crucial need for prayer, outer action, and inner healing combined if we are going to resolve problems in our lives and our world and sustain the resolution and changes both inside and out.

 (c) Judith Barr, 2009

*I could write on this theme for days . . . months. There are many facets, including domestic violence in which women are violent to their husbands. But today, I am writing about the woman receiving the violence. 

**https://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/meast/05/10/saudi.court.wife.slapping/index.html

IF WE ARE EVER GOING TO HAVE A CHANCE OF HEALING OUR SOCIETY FROM THIS KIND OF VIOLENCE. . .

By Judith Barr

People keep asking ….
How can this happen?
How can someone do such a thing?

People keep talking ….
For example, Angela Leach, a representative of the American Civic Association said . . . “Whatever drove this individual to do what he did I cannot possibly fathom.” 

People blame and have contempt . . .  “He must have been a coward; he decided to end his own life  when he heard police sirens” – Binghamton Police Chief Joseph Zikuski.

People feel and try to figure out what to do . . . “I am heartbroken for the families who survived this tragedy,” Obama said, “and it just underscores the degree to which in each of our countries we have to guard against the kind of senseless violence that the tragedy represents.”

But guarding against it won’t prevent it.

People don’t seem to want to look inside themselves and see how we each contribute and how we each need to be part of the healing.

It begins in our childhood…

Children are afraid to feel . . . their feelings in response to pain and trauma are too much for little children to feel; so they bury the feelings and find a way to escape from the pain. When they grow up they are still trying to keep their feelings buried and escape from the pain.

Other people doing the same thing don’t help! When you are trying to keep something in your own psyche buried, you often have contempt for someone else who is dealing with that same thing openly.  You may call a woman a “drama queen” if she expresses her feelings. You may call a man a “wuss” (or worse) if he openly expresses his feelings. If you are afraid to need, you might have contempt for someone else who shows their need openly…You may term them “needy”. Or if you are afraid to ask for help, you might be contemptuous of someone who asks for help (calling them “helpless” or “incompetent” when they do.)  With this additional layer … adults make children and other adults afraid to feel and express their feelings.

Our world is in such a state now. There is so much fear of feeling that even in the name of helping people many doctors and even therapists give people medication so they don’t have to feel  . . . and teach them ways to manage their thoughts and feelings, instead of working them through.

So … we aren’t taught how to be with our feelings, without either repressing them or acting out on them. We aren’t taught how to express them safely. We aren’t taught how to discern which feelings are those we need to act on and which feelings are those we need to follow into our own hearts for healing.  

Say you’re in your home and you smell smoke. You’re afraid. If that is here and now fear, you will act on it to find the source of the smoke and see if it’s a fire that needs to be put out. Or someone else has just started the wood stove for today, usually your daily task in the house.

But let’s say when you were a child, your house burned down. You smelled the smoke but were so young you didn’t know what it was. Now you smell smoke, and you panic, even the smell of someone having lighted a match to light a candle.  You may go find out if there is danger in the here and now, but the panic you feel is from long ago.

We escape from the pain and the fear . . . just like we did as children.   We probably have many ways to escape. We may know some of them, and we may not be aware of others.  Some everyday escapes:  using alcohol, drugs, work, sex, “tuning out,” exercise, watching TV, escaping into a book.  Even more serious escapes:  running away (when the going gets tough – from a relationship, from a job, from therapy), killing oneself, killing someone else, going crazy…

If we are not helped, held, comforted, and responded to when we feel our feelings as children, how can we be expected to be able to bear them as adults?

If we are not helped to learn how to feel and express our feelings as children, how can we be expected to be able to feel them and express them safely as adults?

If we are not helped to know which feelings are here and now, needing to be acted upon, and which feelings are from our childhood, needing to be healed, how can we be expected to know the difference as adults?

If we are not helped to build the capacity to stay with our feelings and not act out on them, how can we be expected to do that as adults?

There are a lot of outer things people may think of to do in situations like the Binghamton tragedy. There are a lot of people who may think prayer or action is the thing to do. I can tell you from experience . . . in addition to prayer and action, people need to learn to do their inner work with their own feelings – both from long ago in their childhoods and here and now . . . if we are ever going to have a chance of healing our society from this kind of violence.

My hope, my intention, my prayer…is to help reweave the fabric of our society, so the parents can teach their children something new because the parents are doing their own inner work of psyche and soul.

(c) Judith Barr, 2009

EXPLORING THE ROOTS OF A SHOCKING EXAMPLE OF POWER ABUSE . . . AN UPDATE

By Judith Barr

As of Thursday, April 16, 2009, Hamid Karzai, President of Afghanistan, has responded to demonstrations in his own land and criticism from Western leaders against the bill which he recently signed into law, including a provision which essentially legalizes the rape of womenwithin marriage. Karzai claimed that he was not aware of the provision in the law, and told CNN:

“Now I have instructed, in consultation with clergy of the country, that the law be revised and any article that is not in keeping with the Afghan constitution and Islamic Sharia must be removed from this law.”

We have cause to celebrate all those who took action. We have cause to celebrate that President Karzai did respond. But this does not sound like a clear and solid commitment to remove the article from the law. We cannot stop here. We must continue to keep our eyes, ears, hearts and voices on this issue in Afghanistan until it is resolved in favor of a woman’s right to say ‘no’ to her husband’s request (or demand) for sexual contact.

And we cannot stop here. We cannot limit our attention to the outer world manifestation of such abuse of power. We need to remember that a core part of healing this in the outer world is healing it in our inner worlds, too . . . healing the misuse and abuse of power it reveals in our lives – current and long, long ago – and healing the powerlessness it reveals in our lives – current and long, long ago. Only by including the inner work of psyche, heart, body and soul, will we be able to help make changes that are sustainable.

Please read my original post at
https://judithbarr.com/2009/04/05/exploring-the-roots-of-a-shocking-example-of-power-abuse/
to expand your understanding and inspire you even more to do your part, too.

(c) Judith Barr, 2009