emotional health

The Election Through The Lens of Powerlessness

By Judith Barr

Election time is again upon us. Many in our country are sad to find that the process has become distorted . . . characterized by mudslinging, lies, destructive behavior.  How did our election process get this way?

We have to understand that the election process did not get this way overnight, but has, almost since its inception in this country, had the seeds of distortion in it.  Our ancestors  came to America because they felt powerless in England. They tried to create a country in which they would not feel powerless. They even created an elections system in which they would not feel powerless.  One in which they, as citizens, could have some power in the selection of their leaders.

But look at what’s happened with elections.  Here are some examples earlier in our history.   In 1828, supporters of John Quincy Adams insinuated that Andrew Jackson’s mother was a prostitute and his wife an adulteress.  In 1884 there were anti-Catholic statements made by a minister . . . and there were chants against Grover Cleveland, who, it was discovered, fathered a child out of wedlock and had the child put in an orphanage.  These sound like something we could see or hear in the political arena today.

But the roots of distortions in the election process are the same, whether in 1810, in 1910, or in 2010. As humans we will go to extraordinary lengths to keep our feelings at bay. Our earliest pain, fear, rage, and powerlessness.  All to get away from those primal feelings . . . but especially the feelings of powerlessness.  The very feelings that brought us to America!

How does this priority of holding feelings at bay play itself out in our country in relation to elections?

If you were once powerless as a young child and it was not a good experience, you will do anything to keep from being powerless again . . . or even feeling powerless again . . . or even having the unconscious memory of your powerlessness be triggered again!

Losing an election would definitely trigger powerlessness, wouldn’t it? Being attacked during an election campaign would certainly trigger powerlessness, wouldn’t it?  Having skeletons in your closet that are discovered and revealed would, of course, trigger powerlessness, wouldn’t it? As a matter of fact, even just having skeletons hidden in your closet would trigger powerlessness, wouldn’t it?

So . . .
Would you spread rumors? Lie? Slander an opponent . . . to win an election? To keep from feeling powerless?
Would you become an archaeologist seeking old news about your opponent . . . to win an election? To keep from feeling powerless?
Would you seduce voters with charm, false promises, half truths . . . to win an election? To keep from feeling powerless?
Would you cheat at the polls . . . to win an election? To keep from feeling powerless?
Would you steal funds to support your campaign, or take funds anywhere you can get them, even from dubious sources . . . to win an election? To keep from feeling powerless?
Would you prevent voters from voting . . . to win an election? To keep from feeling powerless?
Would you numb yourself out during the election campaign? To keep from feeling powerless?
Would you refuse to participate in an election in any way? To keep from feeling powerless?

How do we each contribute to these distortions? By defending against our own early feelings of powerlessness instead of exploring them, working with them, building the capacity to feel them, and then not having to defend against them anymore. And how are we each contributing to these distortions in relation to the elections?  By using the elections as a defense against our own feelings of powerlessness. Or by using the elections as a trigger to our own early feelings of powerlessness and just going with it instead of healing it.

Think how powerful everyone involved in an election feels . . . as they go campaigning all over the countryside; as they dig up “dirt” on the other side;  as they raise funds for negative campaign ads; as they “get off on”  getting even uglier than their opponents.  Or better still . . . think how much doing all those things keeps someone from feeling powerless!

So . . . how can we truly heal our relationship with our country’s election process . . . and change the process itself from the inside out?

By doing our own inner work related to our early feelings of powerlessness and how we are superimposing our early feelings and our defenses against those feelings onto our elections.  We may not heal the entire process this year! But you’d be surprised how much even working with this over the next days leading up to this year’s election can do.  And beginning right now can open the way to truly healing our elections in years to come.

Will you join us? 

© Judith Barr, 2010

WHEN WILL WE EVER LEARN?*

By Judith Barr

Today is 9/11 … 9 years later.

It’s the anniversary of a painful, horrifying, tragedy.

We’ve responded in a number of ways . . .

We’ve been shocked. We’ve grieved. We’ve cried. We’ve screamed. We’ve felt anger.  We’ve blamed. We’ve proclaimed ourselves good and others bad or evil. We’ve gone to war, killing and maiming thousands and thousands. We’ve created yet another round of both blatant and insidious prejudice. And more . . . 

We were terrified that day. And still are today, no matter how many layers of other feelings we build on top of our terror. And no matter what we try to do in the world outside to hold our terror at bay. 

We were terrified that day. And still are today. No matter how many wars we fight to defend ourselves against that terror.  No matter how many national policies we legislate or create through our courts to defend ourselves against that terror. No matter how many trillions of dollars we spend to defend ourselves against that terror.  And no matter how many years pass. No matter how many anniversaries of 9/11/2001 we commemorate.

And why won’t these things we attempt work to defend us against that terror?

Very simply because … only a very small part of that terror is in direct response to the actual events of 9/11/2001.

Most of that terror is terror that was triggered in each of us on that day, terror that lived inside each of us from our past, terror that each of us experienced somehow, sometime, someway, in response to some experience when we were very young children.

We buried that terror as children, because it was too much for children to bear.

But if we keep burying it as adults . . . and if we keep defending ourselves against experiencing it . . . it will nevertheless stay alive, though buried, inside us. It will nevertheless keep getting triggered by other terrifying moments and experiences. It will nevertheless keep driving us — beneath our awareness – to take actions in our lives and make choices in our lives that are dysfunctional, unhealthy, and even destructive. We will find new and even more harmful ways to defend ourselves against our own terror . . . ways which end up creating terror themselves. Like war, like hateful prejudice, like addictions that do unimaginable damage.

This year … on the anniversary of 9/11 … let’s do the one thing that can truly help us to heal … individually, nationally, and globally. . .

Let’s each explore and begin to discover the ancient terror 9/11 stirred up in our minds, hearts, and cells.

Let’s each commit to heal that terror from long, long ago so it doesn’t compound the terrors of current times, so it doesn’t contaminate our decisions and our choices about terrors that we need to respond to healthily, wisely, and heartfully.

When will we ever learn?*

© 2010, Judith Barr

*From Pete Seeger’s 1961 song, Where Have All The Flowers Gone?

IF YOU BELIEVE “THERE’S NO WAY FOR EVERYONE TO WIN” … READ THIS! UPDATED

By Judith Barr

Recently I included the article below, If You Believe There’s No Way for Everyone to Win, in my newsletter. In response, someone who reads my newsletters sent me an email about this article. With her permission, in this post I share with you the heart of the interchanges she and I had. They expand and deepen the understandings in the article. You can find the update right below the article.

IF YOU BELIEVE “THERE’S NO WAY FOR EVERYONE TO WIN” … READ THIS!

AND IF YOU BELIEVE “THERE IS A WAY FOR EVERYONE TO WIN” … READ THIS!

Recently, a well-known news commentator* – remarking on a comment by Bill Clinton that the only way for us to go is to make sure everyone wins – emphatically stated, “THERE IS NO WAY FOR EVERYONE TO WIN!” 
 
Would you, or do you, follow someone who made a decision that in life there’s no way for everyone to win?

And, whether or not you follow a commentator who believes this…do you wonder where a belief like this comes from…and how it can affect our lives and our world?

When I heard this comment from Glenn Beck,* it struck me so . . . as something so familiar. It sounded just like things I’ve heard from my clients so many times over the years. This statement – There is no way for everyone to win – is a classic example of what I call an “early decision.” 

I’ll explain .  .  .
When we are children, and we suffer pain or trauma that’s too much for a child to bear, we bury the pain and defend against it by making unconscious decisions about ourselves, others, our world, and life in general.  Now when we are children, an “early decision” may be a life-saver . . . it saves us from agonizing pain, perhaps emotionally, perhaps also physically. But as we grow, if we are unaware of this unconscious decision, and if we haven’t healed it, it can haunt us from our own underground, affecting our feelings, thoughts, attitudes, behavior, and choices.  The important thing to remember is that this is unconscious. We are unaware this is happening inside us, and unaware that early decisions like this are driving our lives.

Here’s an example.  .  .
Let’s say you’re a child. Your father files for divorce because of your mother’s alcoholism. However it unfolds, you and your sister end up living with your mother. When you are 15, your mother commits suicide by drowning. Then your step brother commits suicide. You and your sister move to live with your father . . . the same father who divorced your mother and moved away. Without even realizing it, out of each of your traumas or out of the accumulation of your multiple traumatic experiences comes an early decision: There is no way for everyone to win!

Without even realizing it, you make that decision again and again at each painful incident. You also come to use that decision to defend against your pain. And you use everything you can . . . not only to defend against your pain, but also to hold onto that early decision for dear life!

You believe you are proving that decision every time you have a painful incident in your life. Your first daughter is born with cerebral palsy . . . and you prove it again.  You struggle with substance abuse and ADHD . . . and you prove it again. As an adult you use your power to prove to yourself over and over that there is no way for everyone to win.**

And then you draw people to you who also decided as children in their families that there is no way for everyone to win. You use your power and your following to make choices and take actions based on that early decision.  If you have decided there is no way for everyone to win . . . what kinds of choices will you make and what kinds of actions will you take? Likely those that will make you and your following win . . . and everyone else lose. And if your following is filled with people who also made that early decision, how much chance is there that anyone you would listen to can pierce that decision?

Can you see how this would affect all of us? And our world? If our leaders, politicians, celebrities, and media don’t become aware of and heal their early decisions? And if each of us doesn’t become aware of and heal our early decisions . . . we could end up following the cause of someone who decided as a little boy, just like we did, that there is no way for everyone to win.

Remember, you are fighting for dear life to hold onto that early decision, and so are all those around you . . . Because when you let go of that early decision, you will be right back at the scene of the very first trauma out of which you decided There is no way for everyone to win. And back at that first scene, you will be feeling all the feelings you have been defending against ever since . . . which is exactly what we all need to do purposefully, safely, for healing. For once we have gone through and felt the pain we were so relentlessly trying to avoid, we will never have to hold it at bay again, and we can free up our precious life energy for constructive, creative, life sustaining changes for ourselves and everybody else.

Can you see how this would affect all of us? And our world? If our leaders, politicians, celebrities, and media do become aware of and heal their early decisions? And if each of us does the same?

*The well known news commentator was Glenn Beck. My intention for choosing to talk with you about his comment is not a way to comment on his politics, per se, but rather to utilize a perfect example to help us really comprehend the relationship of a child’s painful experiences to not only his adult life, but also his politics, the politics of our nation, the politics of our world and the well being of all involved. And how many times do we get to hear such a public figure, who is a leader in his arena, say one of his/her early decisions aloud and so publicly?

**This example has been created from some of the events in Glenn Beck’s life, beginning with his childhood.

UPDATE

“Thank you, Judith.  That was another enlightening essay.  It made me think of my grandchildren, two of whom are boys who really like to “win” in games and who are learning, little by little, that it doesn’t have to mean something is wrong with them if they lose a game.  But generally, that is what happens, there is some serious loss of self-esteem when there is a loss of a game, yes? . . . One time my grandson went into a huge crying fit when playing chess with his Dad, my son, and lost.  He was mad at my son for playing too hard; he expected him to somehow let him win or at least have a better chance at winning.”
 
When someone loses a game, yes, there may be loss of self esteem. But I think it depends upon the person what the loss is.
And how young the experience.
It could feel like loss of self. There is no me.
It could feel like loss of sanity.  Nothing makes sense . I feel crazy. Everthing’s getting bigger, I’m
getting smaller.
It could even feel like loss of life. I’m not going to survive this. I’m dying. I’m disappearing. I’m falling through the cracks into nowhere.
This is why people’s reactions can be so extreme when they lose.
When they lose a game. When they lose an argument. When they lose a job. When they lose a friend.
When they lose someone they love.
When they lose an early decision . . . 

This is why people will fight tooth and nail to hold onto their early decisions . . .
both the leaders who have the early decision
and the followers who have the same early decision.
This is why the followers are so easily enlisted in the cause and kept enlisted. 

When children respond this way . . . they have little choice.
The loss is too much for a little child to bear.
But when adults respond this way,
in effect, they are using their power to defend against the loss.
In the case of the people in this month’s article, the people who have an early decision
There is no way for everyone to win . . .
they are using their power en masse
to defend, each of them, against the losses they experienced in their respective childhoods –
the losses that led them to decide
There is no way for everyone to win.

How crucial it is for each of us adults to do the inner work
to discover, heal, dissolve, and transform our early decisions
and feel the pain of the losses from long, long ago.
That way we will no longer need to use our power to defend against those losses.
Instead, we can use our power creatively and fruitfully for living fully today and tomorrow.

© Judith Barr, 2010

WHEN WILL WE EVER LEARN?*

By Judith Barr

Today is July 4th. Independence Day.
Yes, it celebrates our independence from Great Britain in 1776.

But we have a misunderstanding about independence . . . true independence.

And we don’t seem to learn. In fact, we don’t seem to want to learn.

We think as children we have to rebel against our parents to be independent. But how independent are we if we are rebelling against someone? No more free, really than if we are complying with someone . . . because there is that someone to whom we are reacting. This is true whether our parents support us to become ourselves or control our growth, imposing themselves upon us.  Either way, at some point we need to find our selves on the inside, not as a reaction to someone or something else.

When will we ever learn?

We think as a nation that we have to war against other nations to be independent, that we have to free ourselves from other nations. Our use of oil is a prime example.  If long ago, when we realized the damage our use of oil was doing to our earth, our home . . . if then, instead of denying it, instead of fighting it, instead of taking our slow time making changes, we had found a way to live healthier – healthier for us, each other, and our Mother Earth – we wouldn’t have had to turn the truth into a fight for freedom against other countries, other peoples, and even our own land and peoples.

When will we ever learn?

We do not have to become independent from other people, other countries. We need to become independent within ourselves … free to know and live the truth, and free to be in relationship with others (as different from isolated). Free to be the truth of who we are, with integrity and compassion within ourselves and with and for others.

When will we ever learn?

We cannot do this from the outside in. Our efforts to do so will not last. The only way to do this and sustain it as a way of life, is to do it from the inside out. To go back to the place we went awry – even as long ago as our early childhood – and do the inner healing to redevelop ourselves as Selves. Then we can be truly independent and inter-dependent. Then we can be truly free.

When will we ever learn?

May we use this Independence Day to make a commitment to real freedom, and take the next step toward fulfilling that commitment. 

May we find our way to real freedom . . . from the inside out.

May you find your way to real freedom . . . from the inside out.

©Judith Barr, 2010

* The title of this blog post is based upon a line from Where Have All The Flowers Gone  words and music by Pete Seeger performed by Pete Seeger and Tao Rodriguez-Seeger ©1961 (Renewed) Fall River Music Inc All Rights Reserved.

HATRED OF WOMEN EXPOSED AGAIN: ALL THE MISOGYNY MONEY CAN BUY!

By Judith Barr

Soon it will be March.
March is Women’s History Month …
a month created to celebrate the gift that women are to our world and our civilization.

Just a few weeks ago, on February 7, not long before Women’s History Month . . .
Right out in the open, we saw misogyny in action in Super Bowl commercials.
Misogyny:  hatred of women! In very expensive Super Bowl commercials.

In a Bridgestone Tire ad,* thugs stop a car and say “Your Bridgestone tires or your life!”
The driver throws a woman out of the car.
The thugs say “Not your wife! Your life!”
The misogyny portrayed is obvious –
a man’s tires are of far more value to him than his wife!

An E*trade commercial** supports men being unfaithful to women starting in the crib. In the E*trade ad a baby boy lies to and cheats on a baby girl with another baby girl. The misogyny once again is blatant: girls/women don’t deserve to have boys/men keep their commitments to them.

And the Dodge Charger ad*** – Man’s Last Stand – reveals a number of men, angry men, men in whom the rage is evident. Michael C. Hall does the voice for all of them. He’s also plays the lead in the television show Dexter, in which out in the open, he’s a blood spatter analyst for the Miami PD, while “undercover” he’s a serial killer.  This background sets up the commercial perfectly as the men in it say things like:

I will shave.
I will clean the sink after I shave …
I will take your call …
I will be civil to your mother …
I will put the seat down…
I will separate the recycling …
I will put my underwear in the basket …
And because I do this,
I will drive the car I want to drive***

He’s saying, “It is your #@&% fault, woman, that I have to be a responsible person . . . and a responsible adult. I’m enraged at you. I’ll be responsible but my reward is to drive whatever car I want.”  The misogyny in this ad is visible, audible, palpable.

That these and other misogynistic ads could be accepted by the network anytime of the year as commercials reveals a lot. That they were accepted as Super Bowl commercials exposes right out in the light of day the undeniable misogyny in our country.

In order to truly celebrate Women’s History Month . . . we need to see, acknowledge, and work to heal misogyny, both individually and communally.
You don’t have to be a man to hate women. Women have been taught to hate themselves and each other for eons.
To heal misogyny in our world . . .
We need to see it in ourselves – whether we are men or women. And we need to see it and stand up to it in our world amongst both men and women.

© Judith Barr, 2010

* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_gZiYAG4Es
** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3NJhgSZmoM
*** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGZa5xGwgko

HAITI . . . AND YOU, ME, ALL OF US!

By Judith Barr

Haiti —
A tragedy has occurred in Haiti.
A 7.0 earthquake that has destroyed homes, hospitals, whole towns . . .
has broken hearts . . .
has rent daily life in a million pieces.

It is very real.
People are dead, missing, hurt.
People are frightened, lost, at a loss as to how to take care of themselves
and their loved ones.

Those of us outside Haiti are having our own responses.
Thank goodness . . .
so many are feeling deep compassion,
so many are feeling sorrow for those affected,
so many are called to help.
We need to feel compassion and sorrow.
We need to help and they need our help.

But even with the call to help, even with the actual movement to help,
even as we feel the very real here-and-now pain of loss,
we need to look within and find out what is being triggered in us by this tragedy.

We all, once long ago, as babies, had something akin to this painful experience . . .
perhaps it even felt like an earthquake to our young selves and our young lives.

We all, once long ago, as babies, had something akin to this painful experience . . .
whether for a moment, a few minutes,  hours, days, weeks, or years.
We all once felt unsafe . . .
even if it was as we were coming into this world,
even if it was when our mother had the flu and couldn’t get to us when we were hungry,
even if it was when one parent yelled at us, followed by the other rocking and comforting us.
We all once felt powerless . . . even if it was when we cried and cried and couldn’t get anyone to come to take care of us
for what might have only been minutes, but seemed to us like forever.

We all once felt scared about our future . . . even if it was our future at a time we couldn’t even say the word ‘future’
or a time when a few moments felt like an entire future.

What I’m saying is this.
What is happening in Haiti leaves us with much here-and-now pain and fear.
What is happening in Haiti also touches something in us all from long ago that we know . . .
even if we don’t consciously know we know it.
And what we do with that “touching” is very important.

Our reaching out in this time of need is a wonderful thing…but we should not stop there.
If we just let those moments long ago be touched and reach out to the people of Haiti to get away from our own experiences,
we do a great disservice to everyone – the Haitians, ourselves, anyone close to us, and anyone in the future who triggers those
same feelings in us.

If, however, we let ourselves reach out to the people of Haiti and also explore the roots of our own similar experiences,
we can help our world in ways we might never have imagined.

Every one of us who explores the roots of our own feelings of powerlessness, loss, fear, and unsafety …
working through and resolving those experiences from long, long ago …
has a new kind of power, power from the inside out —
power to help us respond to danger in new, more creative, more inspired, more conscious ways —
and power to help create safety in our world today and tomorrow.

(c) Judith Barr, 2010

IF WE ARE EVER GOING TO HAVE A CHANCE OF HEALING OUR SOCIETY FROM THIS KIND OF VIOLENCE. . .

By Judith Barr

People keep asking ….
How can this happen?
How can someone do such a thing?

People keep talking ….
For example, Angela Leach, a representative of the American Civic Association said . . . “Whatever drove this individual to do what he did I cannot possibly fathom.” 

People blame and have contempt . . .  “He must have been a coward; he decided to end his own life  when he heard police sirens” – Binghamton Police Chief Joseph Zikuski.

People feel and try to figure out what to do . . . “I am heartbroken for the families who survived this tragedy,” Obama said, “and it just underscores the degree to which in each of our countries we have to guard against the kind of senseless violence that the tragedy represents.”

But guarding against it won’t prevent it.

People don’t seem to want to look inside themselves and see how we each contribute and how we each need to be part of the healing.

It begins in our childhood…

Children are afraid to feel . . . their feelings in response to pain and trauma are too much for little children to feel; so they bury the feelings and find a way to escape from the pain. When they grow up they are still trying to keep their feelings buried and escape from the pain.

Other people doing the same thing don’t help! When you are trying to keep something in your own psyche buried, you often have contempt for someone else who is dealing with that same thing openly.  You may call a woman a “drama queen” if she expresses her feelings. You may call a man a “wuss” (or worse) if he openly expresses his feelings. If you are afraid to need, you might have contempt for someone else who shows their need openly…You may term them “needy”. Or if you are afraid to ask for help, you might be contemptuous of someone who asks for help (calling them “helpless” or “incompetent” when they do.)  With this additional layer … adults make children and other adults afraid to feel and express their feelings.

Our world is in such a state now. There is so much fear of feeling that even in the name of helping people many doctors and even therapists give people medication so they don’t have to feel  . . . and teach them ways to manage their thoughts and feelings, instead of working them through.

So … we aren’t taught how to be with our feelings, without either repressing them or acting out on them. We aren’t taught how to express them safely. We aren’t taught how to discern which feelings are those we need to act on and which feelings are those we need to follow into our own hearts for healing.  

Say you’re in your home and you smell smoke. You’re afraid. If that is here and now fear, you will act on it to find the source of the smoke and see if it’s a fire that needs to be put out. Or someone else has just started the wood stove for today, usually your daily task in the house.

But let’s say when you were a child, your house burned down. You smelled the smoke but were so young you didn’t know what it was. Now you smell smoke, and you panic, even the smell of someone having lighted a match to light a candle.  You may go find out if there is danger in the here and now, but the panic you feel is from long ago.

We escape from the pain and the fear . . . just like we did as children.   We probably have many ways to escape. We may know some of them, and we may not be aware of others.  Some everyday escapes:  using alcohol, drugs, work, sex, “tuning out,” exercise, watching TV, escaping into a book.  Even more serious escapes:  running away (when the going gets tough – from a relationship, from a job, from therapy), killing oneself, killing someone else, going crazy…

If we are not helped, held, comforted, and responded to when we feel our feelings as children, how can we be expected to be able to bear them as adults?

If we are not helped to learn how to feel and express our feelings as children, how can we be expected to be able to feel them and express them safely as adults?

If we are not helped to know which feelings are here and now, needing to be acted upon, and which feelings are from our childhood, needing to be healed, how can we be expected to know the difference as adults?

If we are not helped to build the capacity to stay with our feelings and not act out on them, how can we be expected to do that as adults?

There are a lot of outer things people may think of to do in situations like the Binghamton tragedy. There are a lot of people who may think prayer or action is the thing to do. I can tell you from experience . . . in addition to prayer and action, people need to learn to do their inner work with their own feelings – both from long ago in their childhoods and here and now . . . if we are ever going to have a chance of healing our society from this kind of violence.

My hope, my intention, my prayer…is to help reweave the fabric of our society, so the parents can teach their children something new because the parents are doing their own inner work of psyche and soul.

(c) Judith Barr, 2009