utilizing popular culture for healing

Even A King Needs Help . . .

By Judith Barr

Recently, I saw the movie The King’s Speech. A touching, powerful example of how politics and psychology are woven together! It’s also a beautiful portrayal of the hard work and the full commitment it takes in a healing venture – on both sides, that of the therapist and that of the client.

I don’t want to give anything in the movie away . . . and I don’t need to in order to offer what I have to say. The essence: the Duke of York, later King George VI, stammers; in order to fulfill his job, his potential, and his destiny, he needs the help of a speech therapist. The therapist knows you can’t heal stammering by mechanics alone; you have to go deeper. 

You see . . . even a King needs help to work through the wounds of his childhood. And if a King needs help, so do we all. Even if the symptom in us that reveals the wound isn’t stammering. Even if the symptom in us that is the out-picturing of the wound is an addiction of any kind, one that is right out in the open for all to see, or one that is well hidden – drugs, alcohol, food, sex, gambling, work, exercise, television, the computer or something else. Even if the symptom in us that is the divining rod to the wound at the root is grief, heart break, fierce independence and competitiveness or, on the other side, intense dependence and inability to function the way our potential indicates we could. Even if the symptom in us that points to the wound is our endless hunger to fill the void within us, or the unquenchable thirst for power that hides a fear of powerlessness at our core.

No matter whether others can see your wound or not. No matter whether you yourself are aware of suffering from your wound or not. No matter whether you are even conscious of having been wounded or not, even you have wounds that need to be healed . . . in order to fulfill your job, your potential and your destiny. 

One of the innumerable parts of the movie that I treasure, is when the therapist tells his client, that he, the client, is the bravest man the speech therapist knows. I feel that way about the people who work with me as their therapist. They are the most courageous people I know!

© Judith Barr, 2011

HUMILIATION: AN OFTEN IGNORED, NORMALIZED, DENIED FORM OF ABUSE

By Judith Barr

It doesn’t take much to normalize humiliation in our families, in our country, and in our world. It doesn’t take much to normalize it as a way of being . . . without even calling it the abuse that it is.  It doesn’t take much to normalize it as a way of thinking and feeling, or as a way of interacting – with ourselves and with others.  The following steps are examples of how we’ve come to be part of a country and world in which humiliation is an all-too-common form of abuse.

Step 1:

On Monday, September 27, Michael Bolton dances to the song “Hound Dog” on Dancing with The Stars.
He is humiliated that night by judge Bruno Tonioli.

Step 2:

On Tuesday, September 28th, Michael Bolton has to leave the show. He doesn’t have enough points to stay…possibly in part because of the humiliation the night before.”   People are affected when they see someone humiliated. How depends upon their own experience with humiliation.

Step 3:

Michael Bolton’s wanting an apology from Bruno is discussed on Good Morning America. The hosts of the show seem to think Michael’s the one with the problem – as though humiliation is ‘normal’ and asking for an apology is ‘abnormal.’  Who once humiliated the hosts, making humiliation seem normal in the process?

Many of those commenting on the ABC blog (about half) joined in the humiliation of Bolton.

“Bolton is a cry baby loser.”
“Bolton ought to be apologizing for the way he talked after the show. He sounded like a spoilt brat…pleeze!!!”
“Guess what Michael? You can’t sing either.”

If this is what we say to Michael Bolton, this is what we say to our own children.
And this is probably what was said to us.

Step 4  . . . or is it really step 1?

Under “Bruno Tonioli” in Wikipedia,  Bruno acknowledges having been humiliated as a child for being gay.
What was done to us we do to others.
So what was done to Bruno – humiliation – he did to Michael Bolton . . . humiliate him.
No matter how much the producers of Dancing with the Stars claim Bruno was just doing his job as a judge and giving his honest opinion . . . Bruno was humiliating Michael Bolton. Who humiliated the producers when they were young, under the guise of giving their honest opinions?

Step 5:

Within the same week’s time . . . a suicide occurs in response to humiliation.
A young man’s roommate announces the secret, live streaming online of video of this young man’s sexual encounter with another student. The young man, humiliated beyond words, jumps off the George Washington Bridge.

Who humiliated the roommate – that he would humiliate this young man?
And how?
Why won’t we look at the truth?
Why won’t we see the roots of humiliation in our lives and the life of our country?

Step 6:

Members of the United States military humiliate prisoners of war at Abu Ghraib!
Who humiliated those members of the military in their childhoods that they would demean, steal the dignity of other human beings?

And how does the military itself humiliate those it trains and employs to protect US interests and fight our wars?

Step 7:

Anyone who runs as a candidate for election in the U.S. puts him/herself on the chopping block to be grossly humiliated.  Humiliated by misusing the truth. Dishonestly humiliated. Heartbreakingly humiliated. How did this become such a part of who we are as a country? Not that other countries don’t have this trait also, they do. But many of us think of ourselves as so civilized, while doing things that are so uncivilized . . .  like brutally humiliating people.  Our country. Your country. The important question is: How did this become such a part of who we are as a country? As a world?

Why won’t we look at the truth and heal it?

Because we would see a mammoth malignant growth larger than we can even imagine?
Because most people don’t want to know this?
Because most people don’t want to do the work to heal it, individually or communally?
Because most people don’t want to feel the pain of our own humiliation?
Because most people don’t want to feel the pain of our having humiliated others?

If we don’t look at this, own this, and heal it . . . Who have we become?
If we don’t?  What will we become . . . individually and communally?

© Judith Barr 2010

HATRED OF WOMEN EXPOSED AGAIN: ALL THE MISOGYNY MONEY CAN BUY!

By Judith Barr

Soon it will be March.
March is Women’s History Month …
a month created to celebrate the gift that women are to our world and our civilization.

Just a few weeks ago, on February 7, not long before Women’s History Month . . .
Right out in the open, we saw misogyny in action in Super Bowl commercials.
Misogyny:  hatred of women! In very expensive Super Bowl commercials.

In a Bridgestone Tire ad,* thugs stop a car and say “Your Bridgestone tires or your life!”
The driver throws a woman out of the car.
The thugs say “Not your wife! Your life!”
The misogyny portrayed is obvious –
a man’s tires are of far more value to him than his wife!

An E*trade commercial** supports men being unfaithful to women starting in the crib. In the E*trade ad a baby boy lies to and cheats on a baby girl with another baby girl. The misogyny once again is blatant: girls/women don’t deserve to have boys/men keep their commitments to them.

And the Dodge Charger ad*** – Man’s Last Stand – reveals a number of men, angry men, men in whom the rage is evident. Michael C. Hall does the voice for all of them. He’s also plays the lead in the television show Dexter, in which out in the open, he’s a blood spatter analyst for the Miami PD, while “undercover” he’s a serial killer.  This background sets up the commercial perfectly as the men in it say things like:

I will shave.
I will clean the sink after I shave …
I will take your call …
I will be civil to your mother …
I will put the seat down…
I will separate the recycling …
I will put my underwear in the basket …
And because I do this,
I will drive the car I want to drive***

He’s saying, “It is your #@&% fault, woman, that I have to be a responsible person . . . and a responsible adult. I’m enraged at you. I’ll be responsible but my reward is to drive whatever car I want.”  The misogyny in this ad is visible, audible, palpable.

That these and other misogynistic ads could be accepted by the network anytime of the year as commercials reveals a lot. That they were accepted as Super Bowl commercials exposes right out in the light of day the undeniable misogyny in our country.

In order to truly celebrate Women’s History Month . . . we need to see, acknowledge, and work to heal misogyny, both individually and communally.
You don’t have to be a man to hate women. Women have been taught to hate themselves and each other for eons.
To heal misogyny in our world . . .
We need to see it in ourselves – whether we are men or women. And we need to see it and stand up to it in our world amongst both men and women.

© Judith Barr, 2010

* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_gZiYAG4Es
** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3NJhgSZmoM
*** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGZa5xGwgko

WE HAVE SO MUCH TO LEARN FROM SUSAN BOYLE

By Judith Barr

Less than a week ago – on Tuesday, April 14 – we learned about Susan Boyle’s appearance on Britain’s Got Talent.
So much has occurred since then.*

But I want to say some things at the heart of the matter.

It’s time for truth telling . . .

First . . . how many people rolled their eyes, made faces with their mouths, judged, disrespected, mocked Susan?
Did you?
How many people are blinded by appearance, whether that appearance is one of exquisite beauty or the opposite end of the spectrum?
Are you?
How many people were blind to the human being, the heart and the unique soul beneath the outer appearance?
Were you?
How many people would have stayed in that very same position, if Susan had not sung like an angel?
Would you have?

Second . . . let’s look at it from Susan’s perspective.
How was she able to stay grounded in herself, her realness, and her gift in the face of such ridicule? Most people fear to be themselves, for fear they will be responded to by that kind of mockery . . . and so instead, they hide themselves.
Do you?

Susan didn’t collapse into a defense in response to people’s contempt. How did she do that? In the face of such contempt . . . most people collapse into a defense, created long ago in their childhoods in an attempt to protect the gift that they are.
In the face of such derision, would you collapse into a defense?

Susan watched and heard people’s scorn, but didn’t give up herself and her gift.  She kept being and giving the gift that she is. In the face of such scorn. . . most people do give themselves up.
In the face of such derision, would you give up yourself and your gift . . . the gift that you are?

Third . . . back to the contempt.
Contempt is a defense against our own vulnerable feelings. If you were contemptuous of Susan . . . without being aware of it,  you were defending yourself against your own feelings about putting yourself out there . . . revealing yourself undefendedly to others. You were defending yourself against the pain you have felt – the earliest of which was probably in your early childhood – when you were real, undefended, vulnerable, and could be nothing else.
Can you allow yourself to find the truth of that for you?

This may not seem political, but it most definitely is. It’s political for us as citizens. And it’s political for us as potential leaders.
The more contemptuous we are . . . the more we defend against our authentic selves and the more we misuse our power in relation to others’ authentic selves. The less we are able to stay grounded in ourselves and our realness . . . the less we are able to fully participate in healing and re-creating our world.

The more we collapse into our defenses . . . the more vulnerable we are to being programmed and controlled, instead of being vital contributing members of our society, and vital leaders as well. The more we give up the gifts we have to offer and the gift of ourselves . . . the less we have to offer to our world.

Caution:  Given the wounds that have caused us to fear being ourselves, to collapse into our defenses, to give up ourselves and our gifts as supposed protection against judgment, ridicule and scorn . . . The work of healing this does not happen overnight. Our quick fix, put-a-bandaid-on-it society prevents the real healing and perpetuates the wounds.

The healing does not happen by willing it. It does not happen by burying once again our vulnerable feelings and trying to rise above them. It does not happen by managing and controlling our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. If we try to heal that way, we will only feed the wounds, the defenses, and the coping mechanisms we have carried with us into this day, causing them to persist and perhaps become even more tenacious. The wounds need to be healed to the root with patience, compassion, commitment, and great truth and love.

*On the one hand, word of Susan Boyle’s entire experience on Britain’s Got Talent, has spread all over the world. On the other hand, many are suspicious about the circumstances, whispering and blogging that it was planned … wondering aloud why her hair wasn’t coiffed and why she wasn’t dressed more fashionably.

For the purposes of this post, the most important thing is not what actually happened, but rather what we can learn about ourselves. That is true, even if the whole thing was planned, because if it was, the plan must have calculated what is true about our human nature.

My invitation: See what you can learn for yourself from the post.

(c) Judith Barr, 2009