Far too often in our world, children are socialized according to how Mom and Dad want them to be. Children are thought of as “wild” and “bad” if they don’t match what the culture wants them to be. Children are thought of as demanding and needy, if they need what a child would naturally need. Children are treated as objects and made to function . . . not helped to be their true selves, not helped to more and more deeply become their true selves.
What we see in our world today shows us a mirror of this truth even now. Adults who still abuse children in cultures that normalize the abuse, even perhaps while also appearing to fight against it. Adults who still use children as objects of sexual gratification, even while hiding it from others. Perhaps even while bemoaning the sexual abuse in our world. Adults who treat children as slaves, to do whatever work the adults wish. Adults who – perhaps even while believing they are being loving – force, train, prompt, or even encourage their children to become too-too-busy, on-the-go little robots. In order to function. In order to succeed. In order to go to college, to get a job, and so on. I’ve worked with mothers who start taking their children to 2 and 3 activities a day every day of the week beginning at age 3 or 4, or perhaps even younger. No time for these budding little ones to be. Or to become. Only to do.
We too often socialize our children, make them function, to alleviate our own anxieties . . . instead of working through our own anxieties in order to help our children be themselves. We too often didn’t have anyone help us to find and be ourselves, so to try to help our children would bring up our own early wounding and painful feelings . . . feelings and experiences too many of us do not want to remember, let alone feel. So in order to leave our painful memories and feelings buried within us, we create painful memories and experiences and feelings for our children. It is a generational issue. It will continue until, individual by individual, family by family, culture by culture, some generation stops it by doing its own healing work.
Even some therapy in today’s day and age contributes to this. Many therapies get the patients or clients to function . . . and no more. Driven, in part, by the insurance companies and finances, therapy is too often limited to a search for functioning, or a search for socializing . . . and no more. It is too often limited to a quick fix – “slap on a band aid” mode of treatment, instead of helping a person through the wounding, through the suffering, to the root of the wound and to the self who was originally wounded. And of course, if the therapist doesn’t do this work for him or herself – as too many therapists don’t – helping someone else do it will bring up what the therapist doesn’t want to remember, re-experience, or feel. This contributes to the therapist being driven by things like insurance, finances, new and old theories and techniques that will take the therapist away from assisting clients to find their true self.
Thank goodness . . . there are some therapists who are able and committed to helping people journey through the dark within to find their true selves; and there are some therapists who do their own work ongoingly so they are able to be with others in this deep, courageous journey.
Even many coaches and personal growth trainers, while perhaps believing they are doing something helpful, make this same mistake. For example, those who advocate “finding your purpose.” The emphasis on your purpose being something you should be doing in the world with your life and life energy. But your purpose isn’t something you do . . . it’s finding who you are, being who you are, living who you are . . . the real you. Some people will settle for doing. Others, thank goodness, want to find their true selves.
Even the media now reinforces and imposes the functioning and socializing instead of the finding of your real self . . . the CNN Heroes who do great giving things, the gifts people should give for those who have experienced trauma, the donations to be made so you can have an impact. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with giving. There is nothing wrong with having an impact. But if it is a new way to socialize people instead of helping them find their real selves, then this too is distorted. And if it is a way to defend against your journey home to your real self, then it blocks the way to our having a family, a culture, a world filled with not giving automatons but deeply authentic people – people able to truly give from the heart and not from a place of wounding. And if it doesn’t truly help a person with the inner healing needed, then it most certainly blocks the way to that healing.
Through this holiday season and in the year to come, instead of making the mad dash to buy gifts for people . . . instead of being seduced and dazzled and held captive by the gifts and the lights in the outer world . . . how about seeing the gifts and lights in the outer world as a mere mirror to the gift of you, the light of you deep within . . . and commit yourself to find the gift within your very self, the light within your very self.
You Are the Gift
Even if you weren’t welcomed into the world as a gift,
Even if you weren’t treated like a gift as a child,
Even if you buried the gift you were beneath your defenses
in a reflexive attempt to protect the real you,
Even if you have forgotten you buried the gift that you are . . .
You are still the gift.
The gift of you is still waiting for you
to come find and dig him or her out . . .
to take the walls down rock by rock, inch by inch . . .
to fill in the moat, leaving perhaps a brook . . .
so you can allow others to come close while honoring your
boundaries . . .
The gift of you is still waiting for you to bring air and space and true nourishment . . .
to bring protection, not defenses, in a different more healthy way,
in a way that no longer need be life saving without being life giving.
There is a light within you
The spark of you
The essence of you . . .
It lives within the darkness in you.
You cannot truly access it
without going into the darkness within.
You cannot truly live from it
without going through the darkness within.
It is a challenging journey.
It is a unique kind of initiation journey.
It is a healing, transformative journey
Like no other.
It brings you home to you.
This is your purpose . . .
Unlike any other . . .
To journey within
through the darkness of
your own inner underground labyrinths . . .
Through the darkness . . .
Home to the essence of the real you.
That’s who you need to be.
That’s who you need to live.
That’s who you need to be in the world.
That’s who you need to give to life . . .
That’s who you need to give to the world . . .
For in giving your true self to life . . .
Everybody receives . . .
Life and the whole world get to receive the gift of you,
You get to receive the gift of being your Self,
Giving what nobody else in the whole universe can give . . .
Your true self.
© Judith Barr 2013
WHAT YOU CAN DO
TO HELP MAKE YOUR AND OUR WORLD SAFE . . .
FROM THE INSIDE OUT
This holiday season, and as you prepare for the coming year, make a commitment to do the inner work to explore and heal your inner wounds . . . and find your true self.
Don’t be content with just “functioning” or just “doing.” As you do your holiday shopping . . . as you prepare to celebrate . . . as you make passage into the new year . . . as you go about your daily life . . . notice ways in which our society discourages the journey to self.
Take note of and recognize the ways in which the media and our world in general focus on “doing” rather than “being,” on managing rather than healing, and speak out about this distortion. Help others in your life not to normalize the “quick fixes” that encourage us to settle for just being functional. And commit, during the holiday season and all year long, to heal your own wounds to the root, and to uncover the true and real you . . . to be able to offer the most unique and valuable gift you can: your true self.