how to find your calling

FOR THE HOLIDAYS AND NEW YEAR: YOU ARE THE GIFT

By Judith Barr

Far too often in our world, children are socialized according to how Mom and Dad want them to be. Children are thought of as “wild” and “bad” if they don’t match what the culture wants them to be. Children are thought of as demanding and needy, if they need what a child would naturally need. Children are treated as objects and made to function . . . not helped to be their true selves, not helped to more and more deeply become their true selves.

What we see in our world today shows us a mirror of this truth even now. Adults who still abuse children in cultures that normalize the abuse, even perhaps while also appearing to fight against it. Adults who still use children as objects of sexual gratification, even while hiding it from others. Perhaps even while bemoaning the sexual abuse in our world. Adults who treat children as slaves, to do whatever work the adults wish. Adults who – perhaps even while believing they are being loving – force, train, prompt, or even encourage their children to become too-too-busy, on-the-go little robots. In order to function. In order to succeed. In order to go to college, to get a job, and so on. I’ve worked with mothers who start taking their children to 2 and 3 activities a day every day of the week beginning at age 3 or 4, or perhaps even younger.  No time for these budding little ones to be. Or to become. Only to do.

We too often socialize our children, make them function, to alleviate our own anxieties . . . instead of working through our own anxieties in order to help our children be themselves. We too often didn’t have anyone help us to find and be ourselves, so to try to help our children would bring up our own early wounding and painful feelings . . . feelings and experiences too many of us do not want to remember, let alone feel. So in order to leave our painful memories and feelings buried within us, we create painful memories and experiences and feelings for our children. It is a generational issue. It will continue until, individual by individual, family by family, culture by culture, some generation stops it by doing its own healing work.

Even some therapy in today’s day and age contributes to this. Many therapies get the patients or clients to function . . . and no more. Driven, in part, by the insurance companies and finances, therapy is too often limited to a search for functioning, or a search for socializing . . . and no more. It is too often limited to a quick fix – “slap on a band aid” mode of treatment, instead of helping a person through the wounding, through the suffering, to the root of the wound and to the self who was originally wounded. And of course, if the therapist doesn’t do this work for him or herself – as too many therapists don’t – helping someone else do it will bring up what the therapist doesn’t want to remember, re-experience, or feel. This contributes to the therapist being driven by things like insurance, finances, new and old theories and techniques that will take the therapist away from assisting clients to find their true self.

Thank goodness . . . there are some therapists who are able and committed to helping people journey through the dark within to find their true selves; and there are some therapists who do their own work ongoingly so they are able to be with others in this deep, courageous journey.

Even many coaches and personal growth trainers, while perhaps believing they are doing something helpful, make this same mistake. For example, those who advocate “finding your purpose.” The emphasis on your purpose being something you should be doing in the world with your life and life energy. But your purpose isn’t something you do . . . it’s finding who you are, being who you are, living who you are . . . the real you. Some people will settle for doing. Others, thank goodness, want to find their true selves.

Even the media now reinforces and imposes the functioning and socializing instead of the finding of your real self . . .  the CNN Heroes who do great giving things, the gifts people should give for those who have experienced trauma, the donations to be made so you can have an impact.  Mind you, there is nothing wrong with giving. There is nothing wrong with having an impact. But if it is a new way to socialize people instead of helping them find their real selves, then this too is distorted.  And if it is a way to defend against your journey home to your real self, then it blocks the way to our having a family, a culture, a world filled with not giving automatons but deeply authentic people – people able to truly give from the heart and not from a place of wounding. And if it doesn’t truly help a person with the inner healing needed, then it most certainly blocks the way to that healing.

Through this holiday season and in the year to come, instead of making the mad dash to buy gifts for people . . . instead of being seduced and dazzled and held captive by the gifts and the lights in the outer world . . . how about seeing the gifts and lights in the outer world as a mere mirror to the gift of you, the light of you deep within . . . and commit yourself to find the gift within your very self, the light within your very self.

You Are the Gift

Even if you weren’t welcomed into the world as a gift,
Even if you weren’t treated like a gift as a child,
Even if you buried the gift you were beneath your defenses
in a reflexive attempt to protect the real you,
Even if you have forgotten you buried the gift that you are . . .
You are still the gift.

The gift of you is still waiting for you
to come find and  dig him or her out . . .
to take the walls down rock by rock, inch by inch . . .
to fill in the moat, leaving perhaps a brook . . .
so you can allow others to come close while honoring your
boundaries . . .
The gift of you is still waiting for you to bring air and space and true nourishment . . .
to bring protection, not defenses, in a different more healthy way,
in a way that no longer need be life saving without being life giving.

There is a light within you
The spark of you
The essence of you . . .
It lives within the darkness in you.
You cannot truly access it
without going into the darkness within.
You cannot truly live from it
without going through the darkness within.
It is a challenging journey.
It is a unique kind of initiation journey.
It is a healing, transformative journey
Like no other.
It brings you home to you.
This is your purpose . . .
Unlike any other . . .
To journey within
through the darkness of
your own inner underground labyrinths . . .
Through the darkness . . .
Home to the essence of the real you.

That’s who you need to be.
That’s who you need to live.
That’s who you need to be in the world.
That’s who you need to give to life . . .
That’s who you need to give to the world . . .
For in giving your true self to life . . .
Everybody receives . . .
Life and the whole world get to receive the gift of you,
And
You get to receive the gift of being your Self,
Giving what nobody else in the whole universe can give . . .
Your true self.

© Judith Barr 2013

WHAT YOU CAN DO
TO HELP MAKE YOUR AND OUR WORLD SAFE . . .
FROM THE INSIDE OUT

This holiday season, and as you prepare for the coming year, make a commitment to do the inner work to explore and heal your inner wounds . . . and find your true self.

Don’t be content with just “functioning” or just “doing.” As you do your holiday shopping . . . as you prepare to celebrate . . . as you make passage into the new year . . . as you go about your daily life . . . notice ways in which our society discourages the journey to self.

Take note of and recognize the ways in which the media and our world in general focus on “doing” rather than “being,” on managing rather than healing, and speak out about this distortion. Help others in your life not to normalize the “quick fixes” that encourage us to settle for just being functional. And commit, during the holiday season and all year long, to heal your own wounds to the root, and to uncover the true and real you . . . to be able to offer the most unique and valuable gift you can: your true self.

If We Stay on The Surface . . . We End Up Suffering and Creating More Suffering . . .

By Judith Barr

PART 5: Calling

This month’s article is a somewhat unusual article. It is meant to inform, intrigue, and inspire . . . in a slightly different way than, perhaps, other articles.

The overriding theme of this month’s newsletter is the same as the previous four newsletter articles: We in our world today are mostly staying on the surface of life . . . more than we even know. As a result of staying on the surface, we end up suffering needlessly and needlessly creating more suffering both for ourselves and for our world.

The specific theme of this month’s article is different from the previous.  It’s about our calling . . . and the distortion of the meaning of the word calling.

Just like so much else in our world today, people are focusing on the outer meaning of calling and missing the inner, underlying meaning at the heart of what calling is.

Some synonyms for the word calling include: vocation, profession, occupation, business, work, mission, passion.

I understand those are amongst the meanings that have come to be common over time. But think about what else has come to be common over time. For example, bullying, war, lying, cheating, domestic violence, attempts to overpower someone – women, African Americans, Muslims, homosexuals. Just because it is common does not mean it is healthy, just, or leads to our being the best we can be individually or communally.

Numerous people have come to me wanting to find their calling. Thinking, because of all that’s been distortedly taught in our New Age world, that their calling is their purpose in life.  Searching, desperately, to claim a purpose to their life. Terrified they won’t find one. This is one of the most cruel effects of the New Age teachings about calling.

Even Oprah has talked about calling as an outer “thing.”  She has said things like, “It’s what I’m called to do.” and “The real work of your life is to figure out your function . . .”  [Bolding is mine.] *

Doing is not our calling. Our function and how we function is not our calling. They are what we get all tied up into knots about when we don’t know what we really think, feel, need, and when we don’t know who we really are. Our function is not who we are. And if that is what we have been taught and swallowed whole . . . no wonder equality doesn’t exist in our hearts and in our lives! No wonder people don’t get the essence of themselves and those who share this planet. No wonder people aren’t inspired to dig through the layers and layers of defenses they have built –within and without – in an effort to protect the essence of who they are.

To me, after over thirty-some years as a depth psychotherapist and student of humanity . . .

It is clear that our calling is to find ourselves. In order to truly do that we need to explore within . . . Not get busy in the outer world “doing” and “functioning.” It’s not that we don’t need to function. It’s not that there isn’t anything we need to do. It’s just that we need to stop pretending doing and functioning is foremost.  It sets us up to stay disconnected from who we are. It sets us up to be brainwashed and taken advantage of. It sets us up to be used, misused, and abused. It sets us up to be unable to stand up for ourselves and our world in the healthiest ways needed.

Calling, at heart, is not about doing. It’s not about functioning. It’s an exploration within. It’s a mystery within each of us. It’s about knowing who you are. It’s about discovering aspects of yourself you didn’t even know were part of you before. It’s about discovering gifts within yourself that were buried when you buried your feelings and memories long, long ago. It’s about discovering unconscious yet destructive parts of yourself that were buried or came into being when you were wounded in days long ago. It’s about working with what you find in order to go deeper and deeper to who you really are. It’s about dissolving the walls you built between who you think you are and who you really are at your core . . . and transforming the walls, one by one, into part of your underlying essence and the gift of who you are.

After thirty plus years of both my own explorations within and my helping others with theirs . . . I believe we’re called to know ourselves . . . to spin the straw of our wounds, our defenses, and our compensations into the gold of who we really are. Then we can live our lives from the inside out, bringing the gold of who we really are out into the world, truly enriching ourselves and the world around us.  That is our calling.  Nothing less. Nothing more.  That is our Calling.

© Judith Barr, 2013

* https://www.oprah.com/spirit/Oprah-on-Finding-Your-Calling-What-I-Know-For-Sure

****

WHAT YOU CAN DO
TO HELP MAKE YOUR AND OUR WORLD SAFE . . .
FROM THE INSIDE OUT

As you go on your healing journey, and as you contemplate your calling, ask yourself what finding that calling means to you. Does it mean something exterior . . . “doing” and “functioning”? Or do you really hear and recognize the call to do the inner healing work that will help you come to know who you really are, to uncover the perhaps hidden gifts and talents within yourself that are interwoven with the core of who you really are?

Make a commitment today to focus on truly going within, so that eventually, you will be rooted deep enough within to be able to live from the inside out. You may find you need the help of a caring, integritous therapist to do this sometimes delicate exploration. Commit to your own inner exploration and healing first and foremost – to find yourself as you truly are, and to not stop doing this inner work, as you continue to do those things in the outer world that your calling may lead you to do.